It's been a bit since I did a proper brain dump. Even just now I wanted to redo a word in that sentence… but we're not here for that. We are not here for editing. We’re here to work and go deep inside to figure out what's in my soul. 

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What do I want. Dig deeper. I want to know about the voice inside of me. Hello there. You. Natalie. Natalie’s soul. What can I do for you? What do you need? You need something –I know this– call it intuition or something... I don't know. But I feel, I feel this way a lot in my life. I feel like I know there's something I have abandoned or postponed or forgot; I put it down and even though it makes me happy I leave it down for weeks, months, even years. I want to do this thing –whatever it may be– and I find reasons not to. The wall paint doesn't fit the mood. The closets are not organized. I don't have the right equipment to make it perfect, to continue. I just let it be. I let it fall. 

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Why don't I give it a Bruce Lee catch; why don't I rescue the idea sooner. Then it fades with time and if I'm not careful, I will fade with time.... when I fade with time and don't have the energy, passion, time, desire or connections to help me continue, my ideas will fade. 

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I don't want to fade. I don't want opportunities lost because years and years pass. What good is this confidence if I can't settle on one thing. Maybe I need to consider a theme of things; emphasis on plural. I started that with my Instagram account. I started using it as a vulnerable unapologetic voice of my sappy creative side. The poet in me. The dreamer in me. The realist in me. The naked thoughts I have. I like that. And it's a theme. I really like that. Now what. 

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What do I like about sharing the real me? I like that it's creative and artsy and deep. I like the incorporation of music in it. I like explaining the concepts and starts of my paintings. How I connect and how I feel when I send those thoughts and images out into the universe. And of course, I like the dopamin hits when bells and whistles chime that someone likes my thoughts and someone agrees or disagrees; commenting with their thoughts. I want to relate with others. I feel like I have some pieces to the puzzle and perhaps if I put myself out there... my pieces out there... maybe other pieces can connect and we can all use each other to finish our puzzles. Man, I like that. 

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I will stop here because clearly I am not really getting into my subconscious. I am just thinking and right now I wanted to go deeper than just thinking. I wanted to see if there was an internal message. One that I could decipher. Like a second personality living inside of me trying to fucking get my attention but I’ve been too lazy or ignorant to hear her. 

I need a themed project. One that is realistic that will give me satisfaction and inspiration to push myself further and finally talk to the person inside of me that is trying to get my attention for some reason. 

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What am I not facing? I am not facing the fact that I could do more. I know I can do more. I don't know what that is. Is it painting even more canvases with the intention of selling or showcasing maybe in the Fall. I am not sure. I have so many ideas. Maybe going to some of the local businesses to sell my digital storytelling and marketing skills. Story photography maybe. Videography... music is almost essential because I can share and showcase so many messages with music backing me up. Do I want to sit down and speak my poetry into a microphone. I need to do something. Daily snippet videos on the new tiktok of travel adventures. Make and experiment with making my Norway perfume Layla into a scented candle. There are so many ideas that crowd this brain I feel paralyzed to take action. 

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I want to paint. I have to paint. I feel like a series is needed. Must of my stuff is here and there and all over everywhere... My style is lost but I have vibrant colors, philosophical thoughts and faces on my side. Those are all recurring. The color pallets are pretty recurring as well. I need to evaluate them again. I need to revisit my list of life goals since thirteen years old. Can I knock one or two off? Can I put one or two on? Okay. I gotta go; I must do something.  

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I love you. Whomever is deep inside of me... yeah you, I love you and I'm trying to get to you so we can have a little chit chat to see what the fuck you want and why you were mildly pestering me in the past– only to pump up the volume in the present time to blatantly scream for my attention. I love you. I’m going to find you. Please wait for me. I’m on my way.